So, up until now, I really felt like I had some solid advice to stand on when it came to PA school. I had done enough talking and questioning of other wives who have walked this road before me that I felt pretty good. Like I said...that was up until now. Or the last 2 weeks I should say. Nothing could have prepared me for the changes in behavior and thinking and feeling that have happened. Changes that have happened with Husband and myself.
Here's the deal. Husband is an extremely thorough person. When you look up "detailed oriented to the point of OCD" in Websters, his picture is next to it. I have known for a long time that when he studies, he is literally going to take 3-4 times longer to study the same material as some of his classmates. I have learned to ignore other PA students Facebook pics and posts of themselves on the weekends at ball games, parties, and on patios because it makes me wonder "why are they NOT studying, and why is MY husband not doing all of these fun things." It would make me crazy if I let myself think like that, so I have trained my brain not to.
With that said, Husband's studying has largely paid off. He makes great grades and is respected by his peers for his dedication and determination. But a few weeks ago, he became human and had a bad day. On a test day. And his grade on that test reflected his bad day and NOT the HOURS upon HOURS of studying he had done for this exam. He has met with his adviser and professor and is going to re-take the exam. But, the completely deflating of his confidence has been mind blowing to me. I was one of those students who had to study, but if I failed an exam, I just knew I needed to study harder next time. It was not the end of the world for me. And I never felt like I was a complete failure because of 1 test. That didn't define who I am NOR did it define if I was smart, or worthy, or capable. But for Husband, he is struggling with those feelings...over ONE test. And I am struggling to understand a thought process that is so unlike mine.
So that's the background. Now to the choice I have to make. I am having to make the choice to be selfish or selfless. Over the last few weeks, I will admit that I've been feeling a little selfish (ok, a whole lotta selfish). I'm honestly so tired of trying to re-assure Husband that he is smart, worthy, loved, and capable that I'm exhausted. And the other day I lost it. I broke down and cried. I couldn't stop thinking about WHY he was being so selfish in his thinking and that if he would pull his head out of you know where for 5 minutes, he would see that he is making not only himself miserable...but ME miserable as well. When he says things like "this isn't fun anymore" and "I just hate the way I feel," it honestly makes me roll my eyes and think "oh, get over it!" I'm not having very much fun either. It's like when you have a girlfriend who's having a hard time with a boyfriend and yet she keeps going back, giving him another chance, yet expecting the outcome to be different. I am not the one to come cry to, cause I'm gonna tell that girlfriend like it is. Husband says he's not having fun anymore, but it's because he won't let himself have fun. He is studying so much that he's not making time for ANYTHING else. So to me, my attitude is TS (you know, Tough-'bad 4 letter word that I don't say but will abbreviate from time to time'). I don't have sympathy for people who don't proactively try to fix their problems. That is the selfish side of me. I can be cold and unsympathetic when you have reached the threshold of my patience.
This week, Husband reached it. And I blew. And guess what? It was horrible. I realized that his struggles go well beyond the point of one test. And that my words, both good an bad, make a HUGE impact on his thoughts about himself. I hadn't been saying mean things to him, but I also had not made it a point to say nice things either. The absence of the encouraging words were almost as detrimental as if I had said something horrible. I had been selfish in my with-holding of those words because I was feeling stressed in my own way and about my own things. And I know that Husband is SO focused on his studies, that he probably hadn't noticed that I'm a little stressed out too. So being "quiet" was my way of keeping encouragement from him because I KNOW he wasn't going to encourage me back.
It made me realize that the same things I was accusing him of were the same things I was doing. He was being selfish, well, so was I. He was only seeing things from one side, well, so was I. It's funny how God will put a mirror in your face when you least expect it.
So for now, I'm heading into another weekend as a single-but-not-single mom. I'm sad about it, but I just have to remind myself that this is just a season. And I'm going to remember this for when I need to pass on this lesson learned to someone else. And this one, I figured out for myself.
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