The other night, I got a desperate call from a PA wife the other day who's husband is a year behind my Husband. He is a few weeks into year 2 which in my opinion, is the HARDEST!!! We've had many talks leading up to this year and what to be expecting, so she knew what was coming. Unlike me, I was told that it gets easier the 2nd year. They lied.
Her call wasn't complaining or whining about it being hard. Her call was a much needed venting session where she expressed her need to be pissed about it! She kept saying "I knew it was going to be like this, so I should just get over it." It hit me that that is the FARTHEST thing from the truth. Just because you know what's coming doesn't mean you give up the right to be mad about it. Or sad about it. Or just in a pissy mood about it.
That conversation got me thinking about all the guilt that comes with needing and wanting to be the support system, but then finding yourself needing some support in return. Some of the biggest arguments Husband and I had were over my perception that he was "completely and utterly out of touch" with my needs or what was going on with our family. At times during that second year he would come home and still be totally wrapped up in his own schedule, classes, studying, and responsibilities at school that he would not even ask me how I was. Or what was going on with Little Man or Baby Girl (who was in my belly at the time). And when I would say "hey, I need to talk to you about such-and-such" he would immediately zone out and I learned it was a waste of my time. It wasn't that he didn't care; he was just being a typical man and was unable to multi-task. His mind was a 1 track highway at the time. He had so much on his plate that it was impossible for him to switch gears and come back to the reality of the life WE were living outside of his school. BUT, at the time I was not so enlightened about the why's of his behavior. I believe I even went through the "I don't give crap about what you've got going on because you obviously don't give a crap about what I have going on" phase. That really didn't lead us anywhere good and then enters the guilt. I felt guilty that here I was, his biggest cheerleader, and I really didn't feel like cheering that game. It was really hard to maintain those "atta-boys" when I wasn't getting any "atta-girls" in return. It was a viscous cycle that could have gone on and on and lead to a really bad place. I am thankful that we made it through and are now having fun in rotations.
My advice to my sweet friend and to anyone else who needs it: Just hang on. There is no graceful way to make it through the 2nd year. The picture I have in my head of that entire year was me hanging on to the rope and handle while water skiing. If you've ever water skied, you know that you have to hold on REALLY tight to get up and out of the water. Then, your natural instinct is to pull the handle towards you, which is actually the totally wrong thing to do. I creates too much slack in the rope and when that slack corrects itself, you almost always are pulled face-first into the water. The "hanging on tight" is what we have to do to get out of the water. The "pull and tug" is what we do when we fight and harbor resentment and bad feelings toward our husbands for not being in touch with our feelings. Then, the "slack correcting itself and pulling us face-first in the water" is what happens when we allow guilt to set in. You can't feel guilty about needing support sometimes. You just can't expect it to come from your husband right now. It's just not going to happen. If we can just maintain and hold on tight, it will be over soon.
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